Hold yer horses

Been busy the past little while… Not to throw too many excuses at you, but we are expecting our first child and my new job leaves no time for goofing off! So silly blogs about accidental naughty words has taken the back seat… But I do promise to get back to this as soon as I can spare a few minutes to knock out a couple dozen entries. Let’s say… reconvene here in a week? See you then!

Oh, Behaaaaa-Austin Powers is an idiot [Randy]

Oh man.

This one totally backfired on me. Here I was, scanning my huge list of dirty words to do write ups on and I come to “Randy” (pun umm… unintended?) I thought: “Awesome! I bet there’s something funny here!”

Nope.

Turns out, that the Newfoundland definition to “randy” is the exact same definition employed wherever the English Language is used. Which means “sexy times coming up” or some such thing.

To which I say: BORING.

If you’re going to be a good Newfoundland word, I suggest actually being a Newfoundland word, and not a 10 year old Austin Powers joke.

[As I was posting this, my fiance informed me that “to go for a randy” means go for a drive, in her family. Post rescued!]

[I know that is a bad Austin Powers. That’s the point.]

Protect yourself, before you scrub yourself…? [Rubber]

If you ever have a late night hook up and you are asked “Do you have a rubber?” I can assure you that you never ever, ever will. Okay, so you might have a condom, and if you’re awesome, you’ll have your rubber boots. (I mean have you ever met anyone who had a handy pair of rubber boots and wasn’t awesome?)

But will you have a piece of wood fastened on the outside of the gunwale of a boat? And no, your penis is not a gunwale, no matter how much you brag. And if it is, what are you doing fastening pieces of wood to it?

Now you may say “Wood is the complete opposite of rubber!” which isn’t quite true, but for the sake of argument, I’ll agree. However, this use of the word rubber is derived from the word “Scrubber”, which kind of makes sense, as this protective piece of wood would “scrub” or “rub” against things that make harm the boat.

I guess. I don’t know anything about boats. But rubber boots? I’m your man. I’m awesome.

And what does “take five” mean? [Blow]

While working, if I told you “take a blow”, you’d either be confused or excited, and you would quickly make tracks for the back room or the Human Resources department. Fortunately (or unfortunately), no blow jobs are involved in taking a blow. It simply means to take a breather or break from the work at hand.

Unless, your coffee breaks do involve blow jobs. In which case I ask: Where the fuck do you work?

And are they hiring?

I kid, I kid.

Totally not updating my resume right now. Totally am not.

The Bitch and Dogbody is Back [Bitch]

You could fill an entire Newfoundland recipe book with cakes made of “flour, pork fat and molasses”. Why? Because that’s all early Newfoundlanders ate, apparently. Oh, and every recipe in said cookbook would be fucking disgusting.

Hence the name of one variation: Bitch and Dogbody, a cake that is so gross, I guess that had to give it two stupid names.

So why is it on this blog? First, I’ll turn you away from dogbody, because that’s weird and gross and weird. And gross. Unfortunately, the word “Bitch”, while also a name for a female dog and derogatory name for women, it is as good as any word in sexual lexicon, or sexicon, as Product of Newfoundland has coined. I figure it is a product of male dominance and male fantasy fulfillment in pornography. Alas, those ideas are too smart for this blog so we will promptly avoid them.

Apirl Golden Showers Bring May Flowers [Piss-a-Bed]

Peeing is not normally sexual. But it can be. If you’re into it. And if you’re into it, you’re probably doing it in bed. Which doesn’t make sense to me. Mattresses are a pain in the butt to clean and they’re expensive. So maybe they don’t pee in bed. Can I make it any more obvious that I don’t enjoy peeing on people, nor having people pee on me? I really have no idea how it works.

Logistics aside, Piss-A-Beds fit this blog. Because “Piss-A-Bed” is the secret Newfoundland spy code word for “dandelion”. They’re tenacious buggers, and we must speak in tongues around them, should they hear our plans for their extermination. Or maybe it’s just the pollen of Taraxacum officinale that makes everything yellow.

Or a bizarre side note, another Newfoundland word for dandelion is “Dumbledore”, which is completely irrelevant other than the fact that Albus Dumbledore was the only character sexualized by J.K. Rowling (outside of the books, albeit, but still the fact that he’s gay is part of canon, supposedly).

And now that I’ve confused non-Harry Potter fans (and shame on you), I’ll close out this post with: Hi, summer vacation is over and Sex and the Island is back!

In the Outhouse [Beaverwood Sewage Treatment Plant]

[Thank you all for sticking with the blog during the ever-so-brief hiatus. Back in action!]

In my younger days, we were always in search for drinking spot in the woods. Why? Besides the long standing tradition of minors imbibing alcohol in the sticks, I figure it is a nice bridge between childhood and adulthood. You have the wild adventuring of youth and the absolute drunken wreck of being an adult (at least this is what we thought adulthood was at the time: an excuse to drink all the time).

We found one particular place which we called Beaver Lodge, because in our drunken stupor, we had misread the name on the nearby Beaverwood Sewage Treatment Plant which is on the outskirts of Gander, located between the Anglican Cemetery and Walmart. Yes it stunk and yes it STUNK. But it was something to call our own, and we made quite the weekend home of Beaver Lodge.

And now it has come back to me because I write a blog about inadvertently dirty things in Newfoundland. Now naming a sewage treatment plant Beaverwood makes sense. You have the beaver, the great Canadian icon, and its favorite food. And since a sewage treatment plant cannot discriminate between either gender’s pee, you have to name the place after both sexes genitals: the woman’s beaver and the man’s wood.

Ah. Sewage treatment plants. Role models for an equal society.