Protect yourself, before you scrub yourself…? [Rubber]

If you ever have a late night hook up and you are asked “Do you have a rubber?” I can assure you that you never ever, ever will. Okay, so you might have a condom, and if you’re awesome, you’ll have your rubber boots. (I mean have you ever met anyone who had a handy pair of rubber boots and wasn’t awesome?)

But will you have a piece of wood fastened on the outside of the gunwale of a boat? And no, your penis is not a gunwale, no matter how much you brag. And if it is, what are you doing fastening pieces of wood to it?

Now you may say “Wood is the complete opposite of rubber!” which isn’t quite true, but for the sake of argument, I’ll agree. However, this use of the word rubber is derived from the word “Scrubber”, which kind of makes sense, as this protective piece of wood would “scrub” or “rub” against things that make harm the boat.

I guess. I don’t know anything about boats. But rubber boots? I’m your man. I’m awesome.

In the Outhouse [Beaverwood Sewage Treatment Plant]

[Thank you all for sticking with the blog during the ever-so-brief hiatus. Back in action!]

In my younger days, we were always in search for drinking spot in the woods. Why? Besides the long standing tradition of minors imbibing alcohol in the sticks, I figure it is a nice bridge between childhood and adulthood. You have the wild adventuring of youth and the absolute drunken wreck of being an adult (at least this is what we thought adulthood was at the time: an excuse to drink all the time).

We found one particular place which we called Beaver Lodge, because in our drunken stupor, we had misread the name on the nearby Beaverwood Sewage Treatment Plant which is on the outskirts of Gander, located between the Anglican Cemetery and Walmart. Yes it stunk and yes it STUNK. But it was something to call our own, and we made quite the weekend home of Beaver Lodge.

And now it has come back to me because I write a blog about inadvertently dirty things in Newfoundland. Now naming a sewage treatment plant Beaverwood makes sense. You have the beaver, the great Canadian icon, and its favorite food. And since a sewage treatment plant cannot discriminate between either gender’s pee, you have to name the place after both sexes genitals: the woman’s beaver and the man’s wood.

Ah. Sewage treatment plants. Role models for an equal society.

Sick As A- Oh No You Didn’t [Woman Box]

Redundant? Yes. Because if you have a man box, you are getting into all sorts of trouble and/or surgery. See, a box is a colloquial term for a woman’s vagina. I suppose the crude analogy is “a thing in which you put things into”.

Of course it is mildly disrespectful, as a vagina is good for a whole lot more things: like giving birth, looking at, and not peeing out of. But I suppose you can put things in it, so it’s an accurate word in part. While medical science and identity issues are pushing the envelope, you can say that such anatomy is the realm of women.

So what is a woman box in Newfoundland? You don’t hear it much, as we have things like “the ambulance”. It is a wooden compartment on a sled, especially for sick people. You can trace back through, you guessed it, Newfoundland’s favorite sledding doctor: Sir Wilfred Grenfell, after whom just about everything in Newfoundland is named.

But his name is the least sexy thing I have ever seen, so I’ll end the entry now.

Hold Your Applause [Clap Dish]

Oral sex for those that have venereal disease? Maybe. If you were to use the lest formal definition of “dishing out” you might hear it as “sexual transmitted infection distribution” (or sexy times with the ill).

If I’ve lost you, you’ve probably haven’t been hitting singles bars (or you’re just unsuccessful). “The clap” is also known as Gonorrhea, the world’s most widely spread sexual transmitted disease. From all accounts it’s not pleasant, which makes sense as these things aren’t known as sexual transmitted tickles and hugs (STTaH).

Referring to our omnipresent tome, the Newfoundland Dictionary of Newfoundland English, we find that the term refers to “a noisy, rattling object”. Of course this could be your sex parts should you forgo treatment, in which case, yes: oral sex for those that have venereal disease.

My Aim Is True [Come to Collar]

For those of you who have identified the sexual innuendo, good for you! You’re either tuned into modern sexual slang, watch Sex and The City, or are too creative for your own good.

Takes a bit of explanation for this one, so I don’t know what that says for me, as I jumped to the allusion immediately. A pearl necklace is when a man ejaculates on another person’s chest and neck region, with the white semen droplets appearing as pearls on a necklace. I suppose a woman could ejaculate to achieve a similar effect, but given the logistics and the rare-ish nature of female ejaculation, I’d image it hasn’t been done that often.

So we come back to “come to collar”. Get it? GET IT!?!?!?! Okay, so a stretch yes, but I like the expression enough, the vulgar description of the pearl necklace notwithstanding. Collar, in old Newfoundland vernacular, means “anchor”, so to come to collar means to set anchor. Talk about some R&R.

Bag Your Codpiece? [Bag]

In less than formal language “bag” refers to a couple of things. You’ve probably heard it in reference to a woman, which isn’t very nice, so we won’t discuss that. The other one is as reference to the scrotum, which I would call an appropriate use of the term. I mean, it is a bag after all. It is bag-like in shape and function! Natural evolution and slang never worked so well together.

What’s strange though, it has been while since I have heard its use as such. Your experience may vary from mine, but it seems the days are long gone since I heard a man refer to his “bag”. But then again, I grew up I suppose.

A bag, in Newfoundland, has been referred to just as infrequently in this day and age. A bag is a net fashioned in such a way to moor codfish underwater temporarily. While the structure is called a “bag” as a noun, the act of doing so can be referred to as “bag off” or “bag up”, which are sexual double entendres just waiting to happen.

Not For Your Bottom [Spanker]

Wondering what to give that special woman in your life? Stumped for a Christmas or birthday gift? Nothing will bring a smile to your loved one’s face like a nice spanker. No night on the town is complete without a spanker. Stylish and practical, a spanker is the perfect accessory to accent any ensemble. There’s a spanker for every season! The heavy duty spanker for those cold winter nights, and light and breezy spankers for summer days when just a bit of flair is needed.

Of course, I’m referring to a gentleman who does not mind giving a ladies bottom a wallop all in the name of a good time! No I’m not, but I wish I was.

A spanker, in Newfoundland vernacular that has become mildly outdated, is a woman’s shawl. Make sense now? Wish it was the other way? Well, no one’s stopping you I guess. Just be sure you’re in the right store when you ask for a spanker, for either one you want.

Watch Your Mouth [Pork Tit]

The average reader may ask what does a pork tit have anything to do with sex. The more enterprising, but innocent member of the audience may ask a more relevant question: “How does one pork a tit?” However, the more worldly type may say “Ah yes, I’ve porked many a fine tit in my day!”

For those in the dark, to pork means to “have sex with”. Crude, I know, but don’t kill the messenger.

As for the Newfoundland term, it refers to a “child’s pacifier”, and after our previous discussion, the reader, average, innocent, or worldly, may feel a certain sense of discomfort. A discomfort quickly alleviated by a good ol’ pork tit, but I’m not telling which one.

Gone With The Wind [Quiff]

I’ve always known “quiff” to be the expulsion of air by the vagina, ie: a vaginal fart. After a little research (link NSFW, lots of naughty words), I’ve discovered it is a word absolutely rife with meaning, including but not limited to: a sexually promiscuous woman, the vagina itself, and even someone who sucks farts from a dead chicken (what this means, I have no idea). Now a lot of that seems rather silly, so a vagina fart is the common definition we’ll go with, even if my web browser doesn’t recognize it as a valid word.

What a quiff means in Newfoundland is, unsurprisingly, totally off the mark from modern usage. A soft felt hat with a brim, or fedora, was known as a quiff, back when it was the style of the day.

And with this knowledge you can now take Indiana Jones down a peg. He was too manly by half, anyway.

Don’t Google This [Steamer]

Of the many, many, many new terms that describe sexual behavior and are created and distributed on a daily basis through the internet, few have gained the notoriety of the “Cleveland Steamer”. Don’t search for that, it’ll take you no where good. In the nicest way possible I will say (for those few who are not aware of it) that it involves poop and your partner and more than likely their chest. Too much information, I know.

I only bring this up to tell you that a steamer in Newfoundland is not this, thank goodness, nor is it what you would conventionally call a “steamer”. When I hear “steamer”, aside from the above, my mind goes to either a boat or train, both of which figure prominently in Newfoundland’s history. While we have been known to call these steamers, the term has also been reserved for something else. In fact, a steamer is the complete opposite of what you would figure, having no engine, combustion or otherwise. It is a horse drawn cart.

How unintuitive. And anti-climatic. Much like the Cleveland type. Unless you’re into it. If so, far be it for me to pass judgment but: yuck.