Internet Basics 101 [Horse Cock]

At risk of driving disreputable traffic to my site, I present to the reader the term “horse cock”. Now, we’ve all heard of the various reports of women taking on horses and expressions like “hung like a horse” or “piss like a race horse”. Studs and stallions are terms that are taken for granted. And if you’ve ever been to a stable, you can understand the world’s obsession with the horse’s endowment.

So how does “horse cock” relate to Modiolus modiolus, the mussel so nice they named it twice? Well it’s also been called the Horse Mussel, a name which could easily refer to a horse’s appendage, should you mishear the term.

But in Newfoundland, we call these sedentary creatures “horse cocks”. Why? I suppose we call every thing a “cock”. Also freshwater mussels get lumped into this.

As for size? A horse mussel can grow as large as 20 cm or 7.87 inches. Quite the stud.

I Thought They Were a Pain In The Ass [Tickle Ass]

Anyone who regularly puts garbage at the curb without a garbage box, frequents the parking lot of a McDonald’s, or often looks to the teal waters of St. John’s Harbour cursing the stench is all too familiar with Rissa tridactyla. And why Economic Zone 14 is named after this unappealing beast (as evidence by the Kittiwake Economic Development Corporation and the Kittiwake Coast Tourism Association) is anyone’s guess. (Actually it was a huge marketing consultation 10 years ago but whatever, I care not how people waste their money).

Ah yes, the Kittiwake, or as I like to call them: damned dirty seagulls! Their favorite hobbies are making extra work for you on garbage day, sounding like a puppy choking on a Sobey’s bag, and reenacting scenes from The Birds at your local landfill. Ever been to Robin Hood Bay Dump? Shit will give you the shakes for weeks.

Anyway, amongst the many, many names we have given the ubiquitous bird, I found “Tickle Ass”. A kind and playful name for a deadly bird that’d claw your eyeballs out given half the chance. Honourable Mention goes to Titlas, spicy but not as obvious as Tickle Ass.

Bottom Dwelling Walker [Horny Whore]

O! Poor Sea Life! Ever subject to the grace of sailors and fishermen (or lack thereof). I suppose the expression “curse like a sailor” is apt, especially given the amount of sea creatures that get labeled with dirty, dirty words.

The latest discovery is the Sculpin or Short Spined Bullhead, or Myoxocephalus scorpius to scientists, also known as the Father Lasher (a fine candidate for this blog, were it a Newfoundland term). It is a simple creature, a bottom dweller hard to spot due to its fantastic camouflage. So given it’s bumpy and ugly visage, and plethora of spines, it acquired the name Horny Whore.

As for Newfoundland term, I figure it’s an oxymoron. As far as I know, sex workers do it out of necessity due to socio-economic factors, not so much their libidos. I am sure there are safer and more legal ways to get your kicks if you’re horny.

Sea Urchin! You Don’t have to Turn On the Red Light! [Whore's Egg]

If this is the egg, I’d hate to see the menstruation

I can’t imagine this being a very innocent reference, nor does it seem very kind. But there you have it. As we all know, whore is a more or less derogatory word for prostitute and applied to women in every inexcusable fashion imaginable, usually, but not limited to, sexual activity of a female.

Whore’s Egg spawns (pun intended) specific imaginary, especially given the specific job description of a prostitute. So I think it is rather cruel to refer to a Sea Urchin as a whore’s egg. The round, prickly, and alien nature of a sea urchin probably made fisherfolk think unkindly of the misunderstood animal, and thus they gave it an unbecoming name, insulting sea creature and sex workers insulted alike.

Of course, many names exist for the sea urchin in Newfoundland language, and none are far off whore’s egg: oar’s egg, ose egg, osy-egg, cosey egg. Whore, I guess is just an obvious and colourful variation on it, or maybe vice versa. Who’s to say? But I don’t the ova of any woman looks quite like a sea urchin, and god help us all if they do.

He Put What Where Because Of Why???? [Puddick]

If you are giving your computer screen a blank stare after reading the above word, you’re probably not alone. And if you can get past what it sounds like (for those phonetically challenged readers: “poo dick”) and assume that there is a perfectly innocent Newfoundland definition, you’d be sorely mistaken because this is not going anywhere good.

A “poo dick” as sexual reference is pretty self explanatory, but I’m pretty sure it sounds more like “pud-DICK”. The Newfoundland Dictionary has little to say on the matter, stating that the phonetics are unavailable. Either way, one can understand why the word no longer sees use.

So what exactly is a puddick? In the specific, it means the intestinal tract of cod, seal or whale. However use has been extended to describe a particularly ravenous fellow. I have no idea how this connection was made, because I’m certain whale butts have nothing to do with strong desire and consumption.

But maybe I could see how someone is ravenous concerning a poo dick, but that’s not fit for print, so let’s just stop this train wreck right now.

You Shaved What? [Bald Coot]

Melanitta perspicillata, or the Surf Scoter as it is more commonly known, is a fairly well known sea duck that breeds in northern climes, namely Canada and Alaska. It’s aquatic nature brings an inevitable connection to Newfoundlanders, which means an inevitable saucy name.

It has been known on this island as the Bald Coot, which doesn’t exactly bring the image of a duck to mind, especially not a bird. So if you’re out and about, and someone talks about Bald Coots, don’t get your hopes up. Alternatively, if it’s late at night and you’re in a bar in downtown St. John’s, you needn’t discuss the Western Europe distribution of the Surf Scoter during winter, if someone mentions their bald coot. Just a tip.

But then Surf Scoter doesn’t sound all that innocent either, come to think of it…

Updates, additions, questions? Email me at andrewjhiscock [at] gmail [dot] com