A Word of Thanks and Delay [Internal Affairs)

First of all: I’m sorry. I haven’t been keeping this as “daily” as I wanted. But I do post more often than most blogs, so I can be happy about that. See, I’m preparing for the move back to the Capital City for a new job. So expect the scattered shot posting for a few more days, depending on when my internet can be installed.

Also, a word of thanks to our “sponsors”. NL Blogroll and RJProduct (syntax?) have been spreading the word. I especially thank RJProduct, as he shares the fantastic and topical very-Newfoundland surname of “Hiscock”. (Who may see an email request a confessional concerning this surname for a future post).

Until next time, keep humping! I mean humpbacking… whales?

Poet – The Fleshy Thing You Sit Upon [E.J. Pratt]

That’s it E.J., work that robe. C’mon, give me those sexy eyes.

 Edwin John Dove Pratt (1882 – 1964) is one of Newfoundland’s and Canada’s greatest poets. While Newfoundlanders certainly call him our own, I was surprised to see just how widespread his acclaim and influence was and is. What truly makes him a Newfoundland icon is not so much what he accomplished, but how he did it. His poetry draws heavily on Newfoundland culture and history.

He was born in Western Bay, found just north of a Sex and the Island favorite, Small Point-Broad Cove-Blackhead. He grew up in various Newfoundland communities in a Methodist family. Eventually, he made it to the University of Toronto to study and to teach for years. There a library is named after him, as well as a Medal for poetry.

If you’re unfamiliar, a good place to start would be 1923’s Newfoundland Verse.

Now, his sexy name may not be obvious to all at first. However, as I am a fan of British Television, I knew that “prat” was a solid British insult, so I looked further into it. It means “the buttocks”.

I’m not sure what sounds better: E.J. Pratt or E.J. the Buttocks. I suppose that depends if you want a stupid name or something “respectable” befitting of a poet. My vote goes to buttocks, but when doesn’t it?

Making Out is Hard To Do [Make Out]

“Make” is a common verb, and as its foremost definition is something as general as “to create”, you’re going to see the word put to a lot of use. Combine it with an equally as common and useful word such as “out”, and you’ll have more than a single meaning.

For our purposes, to make out is to kiss in a prolonged and intimate manner. You know: sucking face, playing tonsil hockey, cleaning teeth, The New York Saliva Exchange, loved one’s dinner discovery, and the obsession of poetry-writing teenagers all across the emo-sphere.

At first, having heard it so much, I figured to make out in Newfoundland was to pretend. While this is the case, I am disappointed to find out that this meaning sees a much wider use. “Make out making out” is a real and understandable phrase, despite not being restricted to the Island. For sake of extending these type of sentences, as I’m apt to do, you can throw on another definition of make out: to see. “I make out someone making out making out.” Yes! But still not a Newfoundland expression.

Undaunted, I did some research, figuring there had to be something (because there usually is), and lo and behold, I found something. It’s not as fun, and unusually logical and sensible for a Newfoundland expression. It means to extinguish, such as a flame. Which, to bring us full circle, the complete opposite of what making out is suppose to do.

Sick As A- Oh No You Didn’t [Woman Box]

Redundant? Yes. Because if you have a man box, you are getting into all sorts of trouble and/or surgery. See, a box is a colloquial term for a woman’s vagina. I suppose the crude analogy is “a thing in which you put things into”.

Of course it is mildly disrespectful, as a vagina is good for a whole lot more things: like giving birth, looking at, and not peeing out of. But I suppose you can put things in it, so it’s an accurate word in part. While medical science and identity issues are pushing the envelope, you can say that such anatomy is the realm of women.

So what is a woman box in Newfoundland? You don’t hear it much, as we have things like “the ambulance”. It is a wooden compartment on a sled, especially for sick people. You can trace back through, you guessed it, Newfoundland’s favorite sledding doctor: Sir Wilfred Grenfell, after whom just about everything in Newfoundland is named.

But his name is the least sexy thing I have ever seen, so I’ll end the entry now.

Not Exactly Dirty #2 [Whirlygig]

Whirlygig is still a very popular word. Elsewhere, it sees use to describe devices that move in the wind. Here in Newfoundland, I’ve heard it used as a substitute for a word you can’t quite figure out just when you need it. Less innocently, it is also an old Newfoundland name for a torture device, a revolving cage of some sort. Nowadays, torture is just an hour or two meeting with Andy Wells.

However, it sounds very sexy and can be inserted into nearly any conceivable situation. Observe:

“Last night, the wife and I did the whirlygig.”

“I whirlygigged him so hard.”

“My whirlygig is some raw this morning.”

“Look at this position I found in the Kama Sutra. It’s called the Whilygig and… oh. I don’t think my legs bend that way.”

“Check out the whirlygigs on her.”

“Sorry I can’t help you move. I’m going to a Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Transgender, and Whirlygig rally to promote GLBTW Marriage.”

See? Fits Perfectly.

The Rod and Gun Club [Cock Shot]

Well, there’s nothing subtle about this one. Old spinsters and nuns: we would call this a man’s ejaculation.

Now, “cock” has been appended or incorporated into every bit of Newfoundland lingo. If you are dealing with a piece of Newfoundland culture, be certain that a few “cock” words will pop up (pun intended). In fact, given my surname (Hiscock) the matter is close to my heart.

So what exactly is a “cock shot”? To quote the Dictionary of Newfoundland English: “a target at which to throw a missile” as well as the throw itself. So if I said “I made a cock shot of my cock shot on her cock shot”, that would correct usage of all three instances of the term.

It’s also known as a cod shot, so if we replace the appropriate terms in the above sentence you get “I made a cod shot of my cock shot on her cod shot”. But then no one would know what you are talking about, in addition to the wild stares you’ll get by talking openly and graphically about your orgasms.

Her Cookies Are Nice Too [Nanny's Hole]

If I told you that Nanny’s Hole was out by Twillingate, you’d probably assume that the town is filled with crazed sex perverts in a geriatric fetish cult. Now, not to dismiss the possibility because you never know, I’d say you be off the mark.

No, Nanny’s Hole is a cavern in the rocks accessible by sea. Supposedly it goes a ways under the hill. And what’s in there? Who knows? Not many have seen the treasures that Nanny’s Hole hides.

(God just called and confirmed my advanced booking for Hell.)

Now, information on Nanny’s Hole is not exactly forth coming, so if you have anything to add about the locale: andrewjhiscock [at] gmail [dot] com, or hit our Facebook group (link on the right)

Hold Your Applause [Clap Dish]

Oral sex for those that have venereal disease? Maybe. If you were to use the lest formal definition of “dishing out” you might hear it as “sexual transmitted infection distribution” (or sexy times with the ill).

If I’ve lost you, you’ve probably haven’t been hitting singles bars (or you’re just unsuccessful). “The clap” is also known as Gonorrhea, the world’s most widely spread sexual transmitted disease. From all accounts it’s not pleasant, which makes sense as these things aren’t known as sexual transmitted tickles and hugs (STTaH).

Referring to our omnipresent tome, the Newfoundland Dictionary of Newfoundland English, we find that the term refers to “a noisy, rattling object”. Of course this could be your sex parts should you forgo treatment, in which case, yes: oral sex for those that have venereal disease.

Internet Basics 101 [Horse Cock]

At risk of driving disreputable traffic to my site, I present to the reader the term “horse cock”. Now, we’ve all heard of the various reports of women taking on horses and expressions like “hung like a horse” or “piss like a race horse”. Studs and stallions are terms that are taken for granted. And if you’ve ever been to a stable, you can understand the world’s obsession with the horse’s endowment.

So how does “horse cock” relate to Modiolus modiolus, the mussel so nice they named it twice? Well it’s also been called the Horse Mussel, a name which could easily refer to a horse’s appendage, should you mishear the term.

But in Newfoundland, we call these sedentary creatures “horse cocks”. Why? I suppose we call every thing a “cock”. Also freshwater mussels get lumped into this.

As for size? A horse mussel can grow as large as 20 cm or 7.87 inches. Quite the stud.

I Thought They Were a Pain In The Ass [Tickle Ass]

Anyone who regularly puts garbage at the curb without a garbage box, frequents the parking lot of a McDonald’s, or often looks to the teal waters of St. John’s Harbour cursing the stench is all too familiar with Rissa tridactyla. And why Economic Zone 14 is named after this unappealing beast (as evidence by the Kittiwake Economic Development Corporation and the Kittiwake Coast Tourism Association) is anyone’s guess. (Actually it was a huge marketing consultation 10 years ago but whatever, I care not how people waste their money).

Ah yes, the Kittiwake, or as I like to call them: damned dirty seagulls! Their favorite hobbies are making extra work for you on garbage day, sounding like a puppy choking on a Sobey’s bag, and reenacting scenes from The Birds at your local landfill. Ever been to Robin Hood Bay Dump? Shit will give you the shakes for weeks.

Anyway, amongst the many, many names we have given the ubiquitous bird, I found “Tickle Ass”. A kind and playful name for a deadly bird that’d claw your eyeballs out given half the chance. Honourable Mention goes to Titlas, spicy but not as obvious as Tickle Ass.